Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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