She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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