giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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