i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
