I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
