This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
