Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
