Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
