the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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