Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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