I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
