Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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