Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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