She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
