Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
