did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
