WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
