I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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