You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
