I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
