Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
