We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
