a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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