Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
