OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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