I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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