It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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