It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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