I wanna passion pit in your ass
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
