Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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