I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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