saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
