I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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