You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
