Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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