Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
