If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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