You're my little dorito
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
