I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
