I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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