kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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