i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Your penis caused this!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
