Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
