the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
