My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
