You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
