My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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