You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
