My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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