Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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